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Fic: Animalistic Voyeurism 1/1
Bones - Pretty Colours
So, I filled this prompt from the kinkmeme and 'cause I like being able to find all my fic I put it here.

Title: Animalistic Voyeurism, by umbersong. (Sorry. The title sucks, I know.)
Rating: R
Pairing: Spock/Kirk, Scotty/Gaila, Chapel/McCoy, Chekov/Sulu. Poor penguin stays single.
Genre: Romance/humour/5x1 ('CAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY A GENRE NOW)
Warning: Uh, sex. It's not explicit, but it's not fade-to-black, so it's not exactly that vague either.
Wordcount: 2410
Prompt: Here:
Chekov adopts a penguin! Sulu is convinced the damnned bird is evil.

5 times the penguin, that was invented in Russia, interrupted sex and the 1 time it didn't.


“What the hell is that and what is it doing in my quarters?”

Spock looked to his right casually, as if he didn’t have a half-naked captain pinned by the wrists beneath him. “Jim, it appears to be a bird of the non-flying variety.”

Jim tried to sit up. When Spock didn’t budge, he gave up with a sigh and just turned his head, craning his neck to get a better look. “Shit, is that a penguin?”

“It appears to be.”

“What’s it doing here?”

“I assume it is lost.”

The penguin stared at them both with dark, beady eyes.

“This,” said Jim, “is the USS Enterprise, not fucking Antarctica.”

“Jim, if my memory of my studies on Terran zoology is reliable, that is eudyptula minor, also known as the ‘fairy penguin.’ The species are, in fact, native to Australia – “

“But what’s a penguin doing on the Enterprise?!”

“While you were otherwise indisposed last week – “

“’Indisposed?’ Bones kept me hostage – “

“ – in sickbay with your illness, Ensign Chekov rescued a group of Telesvel from an asteroid. I believe you were notified of this?”

Jim blinked. The penguin cawed. “Yeah, I remember.”

“They rewarded him with an animal from the Terran exhibit.”

“They… gave him an animal?”

Spock’s face twitched in the slightest of frowns. “You are supposed to know of this information. Telesvel consider animals as more sacred than humanoids, and will gift them to one another in any occasion. To refuse the reward would have been to insult their very ideals. As it was, such an exotic gift from them was one of highest esteem.”

“I… see.”

Awkward silence.

Jim’s arousal was fading with every moment that the penguin stared at them.

Finally, he licked his lips and said, “Why did no one tell me about this?”

“You were ill, Jim, I did not think it prudent to disturb – “

The chime went. With surprising strength Jim shoved Spock to the other side of the bed, and inertia carried the rolling Vulcan onto the floor. “Hide, dammit, nobody knows about this yet – uh – “ he groped for his shirt. Damn, where was it? “Uh, come in!” he said absent mindedly, then thought, shit, shouldn’t have said that yet.

Pavel Chekov came in. He opened his mouth, but words never came out.

He stared. The penguin now sat on the end of the bed, and beside him, shirtless and with undone trousers and a very unkempt look, sat his captain. Looking caught out.

Chekov closed his eyes, then reopened them. “K-Keptin,” he said. “Hika – that is to say, uh, Sulu – was, he was… he… was moving my penguin as a joke, sir, and, and… can I… if you… can….?”

“If you were meaning to enquire after permission to collect your penguin,” suddenly Spock, perfectly dressed and unruffled, popped up from the other side of the bed. If it were possible, Kirk started looking even more uncomfortable. “then I will have to give you permission by proxy.” Spock scooped up the penguin, which was so surprised to be dropped into its owners arms that it didn’t even try to bite him. Spock herded them to the exit. “Have a good evening, Chekov.” The door slid shut behind them.

Chekov opened his mouth, then closed it and looked to his bird.

The penguin cawed quietly.

“Yeah,” said Chekov. “I thought so, too.”


“OH MY GOD!” yelled Scotty. Gaila’s mouth curled into a smirk, her eyes closed as she straddled the engineer, until – “IT’S EATING MY TRIBBLE!”

Gaila’s eyes fluttered open and she looked down. Scotty looked horrified. She quirked her eyebrows. “I know you humans are bizarre, but that has to be the weirdest euphemism ever – “

“No, it’s eating my tribble!”

“Scotty, darling,” Gaila’s eyes slid closed again and her words began to come out in pants. “I’m the one with the tribble – “

Much to the Orion’s shock, Scotty rolled them both over and pinned the Orion on the bed long enough to slide out of her in order to run to the other side of the room. “Get off my tribble you wee bastard!” he said, prying the innocent creature from the penguin’s beak.

Gaila stared. “I have never been cockblocked like this before – hey, why were you even looking over there?”


“It’s just…” said Hikaru Sulu. More and more, under that glare, he wanted to melt into some kind of puddle so he’d never have to look at it again.

“Well?” the Russian snapped. “Spit it out, as you say! What is with you? Why you act like this, huh? You act jealous, almost – “

“I’m not jealous!” said Hikaru reflexively, but it was true. Every time somebody flirted with Pavel he could barely stand it, and now Pavel spent so much time with that blasted penguin… it was Satan incarnate, he swore it. Was it so wrong for him to want to spend more time with his friend?

Oh, hell, friend, yeah, as if. Just seeing Pavel’s beautiful glare aimed at him made his heart twist painfully inside his chest. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you – he opened his mouth. Tried to say those three words, because Pavel wanted his reason, and he wanted to give it to him. But he couldn’t.

Fuck this. He’d show him, then. Hikaru took several steps forward, ready to grab Pavel’s arms and press him against the wall and kiss him until he was as breathless as he was –

He tripped over something which let out a furious caw.

“Now you’ve done it!” snapped Pavel. “You stepped on Houdini! Just – “ he hissed as he bent down. “ – just leave! I’ll talk to you later!” the Russian let out a snarl as he scooped up the penguin.

Hikaru had to bite the insides of his cheeks to stop himself yelling at Houdini, but with a cold look at Pavel and a huff he turned on his heel and stormed out of Pavel’s quarters.

Fucking penguin.


The CMO’s office was dark and silent, save for the breathy pants and soft moans that came from the CMO’s chair. Len’s fingers dug into Christine’s hips as she rocked back and forth, straddled in his lap, her fingers probing over his hot chest underneath his shirt –

“What… the hell… is that?” Len breathed in her ear. “Computer, lights – “

Christine groaned. “Not now, not now,” she murmured as she grew closer and closer, thighs pressing on Len –

“Fuck,” said Len, “it’s that damn bird!”

Len – “

“The bird’s in my office!”

“Fuck you, Len.” Christine’s arousal trickled down the drain.

“Disease, mites, germs in my sickbay!

Leeeen –

Rattle. Crash.

“Fuck! It’s in my filing cabinet!

“I fucking hate you,” said Christine Chapel as Len shoved her off to chase off the penguin. “This is all your fault – “

“Christine, it would have had to have gone through my sickbay, I’m not letting my sickbay get contaminated – “

The couple’s bickering followed the penguin as it waddled out into the corridor.


After two years on the Enterprise, Jim thought he’d been in every situation conceivable. He’d been on the strangest away missions, counteracted the weirdest dangers and been in the most bizarre situations.

He had to admit, being trapped in a room with a sex-crazed Vulcan and a voyeuristic penguin was up in his top three.

It started innocently enough. Well, not really innocently. Rather, Spock went into this pon farr thing that came every seven years and made him hornier than a teenaged male, and Jim was simply delighted to help him out of it. However, he hadn’t counted on coming into his quarters, being pinned against the wall by a hot body and seeing a familiar pair of beady eyes under his bedside table over the Vulcan’s shoulder.

“Not again,” said Jim. “Shoo, bird, shoo! –Spock, give me a mo – shit, wait a minute, I can’t chase him out if you’re – mmph! Mmm – “ muffled protestation turned into sighs of pleasure as a hot tongue invaded his mouth and traced his gums, until an angry peck on Jim’s leg reminded him of his purpose. He gasped for air, then gave a different kind of gasp when Spock pulled him to the floor and pinned him. Spock growled. The penguin waddled up to Kirk’s shoulder and loomed over him, staring. “Spock,” he said, as his first officer traced his jugular with kisses. “Let me get rid of the penguin first – oh god stop that that – fuck, Spock – “ he cursed Ensign Chekov for every second he spent trying to fish Spock’s hands from his pants. “Ow, the penguin’s pecking me – “

Jim.” Spock’s heated breaths made Jim want to shut up and stay still and let his Vulcan have his way with him. “Jim, I want you now – “

“Let me go for a few seconds, and then I’ll come back, I promise – “ a nip on his throat cut him off with a whimper. “Spock, the penguin, let me get rid of – ow, that fucker!” The penguin’s beak didn’t look like it had blood on it, but Jim wouldn’t have been surprised.

Jim – “

“Spock!” Jim wiggled out from under his first officer and grabbed at the penguin. “You little bastard!” he said when he caught it. “You’ve caused so much – “ Spock’s hands slipped past his waistband again. “Oh Spock, oh, oh, oh – “

The penguin fell with a thump to the ground and cawed in indignation.

“Oh, hell,” said Jim, before the Vulcan flipped him back over to map Jim’s neck with his tongue.

The penguin hid under the bed.

1. And the one time it helped…

“Pavel?” said Hikaru.

The door he talked at did not respond. Hikaru sighed and leaned against it. In his arms, the penguin was surprisingly quiet. Houdini hadn’t tried to bite Hikaru for two full minutes.

For two weeks, Pavel had been giving him the silent treatment. That, Hikaru admitted, was his own fault – he’d been too passive-aggressive with Pavel, he realised now. But… hell.

Yes, Pavel, I’m jealous of your bird.

Houdini let out a small caw, as if he could see the seriousness of the situation. Which Hikaru knew better about. The bastard was just playing innocent. He could still remember Christine Chapel’s downright psychopathic look when she dropped Houdini on Hikaru’s lap a month before. Tell Pavel I’m giving him extra shots next time he comes in. Because I can.

“This is all your fault,” he said to the bird, just before the doors opened and Hikaru nearly toppled inside. “Oh, shit – hi, Pavel.”

“What is my bird’s fault?” Pavel crossed his arms.


“Pavel,” he said simply, holding out the penguin. “The Captain said he caught him in his quarters. Again. He looked pretty pissed.”

The Captain had also looked pretty beaten up. Hikaru had wondered how many times the Captain had bumped himself in the process of catching the feathery bugger, until he’d caught sight of the bruise on his throat and thought, oh.

Pavel winced. “I thank god it was the Captain who caught him and not you. One time I chased Houdini in there and it was… how you say? Awkward.” His bad mood suddenly forgotten, Pavel bobbed up and down in a nod. “You come in now, da?”

Well, Pavel had to be in a better mood if his English was slipping. Hikaru stepped inside and Pavel sat on the end of the bed, stroking a surprisingly tranquil Houdini. When Pavel was around the higher-ups he made more of an effort with his language, but when it was just him and Hikaru, his Russian accept grew and his English often slipped into more basic phrases, often skipping entire words. Gives headache to remember all of it, Pavel had said once. Practice enough on Bridge, practiced enough in Academy, cannot give a bother always to remember.

Hikaru never had a problem understanding him.

“Penguins were invented in Russia,” he said suddenly. He looked up at the American. “Why you acting strange?”


“You be nasty, then bring Houdini here.”

“Actually, the Captain told me to bring him here.” Like Chrstine had a month ago. And an angry Scotty two weeks before that.


Silence. Houdini nuzzled into Pavel. Hikaru would have thought it cute if that penguin wasn’t the ship’s voyeur, from the rumours he’d heard. He glared at Houdini. You better not have bad intentions with him, you little feathery bastard.

“You hate him.”

Hikaru was startled into reality. “What? No.”

“You’re glaring at him.” Great. Most of the Russian had dropped from Pavel’s accent and now he scowled at Hikaru.

“It’s just a penguin,” he deflected, squirming. “Why would I hate it?”

Pavel hugged the penguin to his stomach. “Just a penguin?”

Oh, hell. “Dammit, Pavel, you’re obsessed with that thing!”

“I cherish the Telesvel gift, for it shows their highest esteem,” said Pavel, staring at the ground. “If you wish to insult my accomplishment, at least leave Houdini out of it.”

Hikaru gaped. Was that what this whole thing was about?

“I’m not insulting your accomplishment!” said Hikaru. “It’s just – dammit, Pavel, you notice the damn bird more than me.”

“You are jealous.”

“Um.” Shit. “Maybe a little?”

“Why?” Pavel scowled. “If you don’t act stupid – “

“Sorry.” Well. That was surprisingly easy. “I’ll stop – “ I’ll try. “It’s just – oh, hell. See you later, Pavel – “

“You do it again!” shit, Pavel had grabbed his wrist, and turned Hikaru to face him. “You say one thing then do the opposite, you act fine with Houdini then make bad comment about him, you say you’re jealous then try to run away – what is it really?”

The penguin, on the bed behind Pavel, glared at Hikaru as if to say, do it, you bastard.

So he did.

He pulled Pavel to him and pressed his lips to the Russian’s. He heard nothing but the pounding inside his ears until he pulled back, and Pavel let out a whine. Hikaru sucked in a gasp, crushing the Russian to his chest and returning to what he had been doing.

The penguin went and hid under the bed again.

  • 1
Wow, this is hysterical. I've been giggling stupidly since "Shit, is that a penguin?" and Spock getting totally distracted... This is just plain awesome! Thanks, you made my day.

I laughed my way through writing it, I'm glad you liked it! :D (And hooray, I made a day, I love making those. \o/)

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this was AMAZING, and it's the weirdest idea ever and it's total GENIUS and i love you for it.
i'm going to be grinning about this all day now, and i'm never going to be able to read a sex scene without my brain superimosing a voyeuristic penguin in at the side... XD

I love the prompter for making the most kickass prompt ever.

Strangely enough - I've always had problems writing romance scenes, especially sex scenes. While writing this, I discovered I do not squick while writing sex scenes at all if a penguin is about to ruin it. I... do not know what this says about me and I'm not sure I want to know. XD

The penguin is such a great character. XD I loved this! I'd comment more but I have to run off to work now. <3

Have a great day at work! :D

Glad you liked, I loved the penguin to pieces, the little bugger.

Wow, that was such a creative fill for such an odd prompt; I enjoyed it quite a bit. LOL'd in real life. A lot.


How did I not find this until just now? This story is fantastic and hilarious! <333


damn funny! hope to read more from you...


Hahaha! Most epic fic ever. Omg, I loved Spock not even letting Kirk go to get rid of an effing penguin, and it had to hide under the bed, haha!! Twice!!

it's very sweet and funny!

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